Depersonalization Anyone, Or Am I Crazy?

[LucyLouWho]

Does anyone else not feel like themselves mentally? I know people have brain fog. I do, too. I feel like I have lost myself.

I am scared as I feel like I am gone. This is Misfit Toy. Ever since I had my thyroid out, this feeling has come and gone.

Also, I am either in menopause or now, after 4 months of nothing, getting my period two times in one month. I am on progesterone and now my breasts are hurting and painful. I was on DHEA and had to stop that. I feel lost.

I was put on progesterone because my estrogen is super high and I have endometriosis, but my breasts are tender. I am on 50 mg. Before I was on it...I was not good, hence he put me on it. I have had a sex drive and an appetite (not in a relationship or acting on it) that has been crazed. That was before even the progesterone or prednisone. It just came on suddenly. I cry all of the time.

There are times where I feel like myself in some small way, but it's short lived.

Because I have so much going on, I have severe adrenal issues which have led me to go on Prednisone at 4 mg per day. I am tired on it. So tired. I was on a higher dose and worse.

In the last week, my MCAS has gone nuts. Itching everywhere.

I know no one can answer this, but how am I supposed to know that I am here? That somewhere deep down, there is me?

I am sad that from the moment I got EBV in 1989, one of the first things that was affected was my brain and my ability to hear sound in stereo, see color in all it's glory, etc. I feel like my brain has been under siege.

My mom is gone and I used to be able to talk to her about this a long time ago. There is no one to talk to about it anymore. No one knows what I mean.

I miss myself. I feel out of control. Missing.

My therapist says to be kind to myself. I wish I felt like myself because I would be kind to that person. This person that I am. I don't know who she is. She is not me.

The only link to let me know I am still here is music. I like music. When I hear certain music, it brings me back to a time and place, but again....it's like a mood. It comes and goes.

I feel depressed and disconnected.

 

[Barry]

The only link to let me know I am still here is music. I like music.

Does writing, like you did in your post, help also?

 

[LucyLouWho]

Does writing, like you did in your post, help also?

It helps me to get things out. It calms me down since I am alone and not talking to people everyday.

I guess no one feels this way. I am glad and yet feel further alone.

 

[Trish]

Hi @LucyLouWho, I am sorry you are feeling so disconnected from your self. It sounds like you have a lot of really difficult physical symptoms to cope with as well as being lonely and missing your mom. That's an awful lot to cope with on your own. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to, and find some reconnection with yourself through music. I hope you are also able to get more help with the physical symptoms from your doctor.

The experience of mine that comes to mind particularly, though not the same as yours, was when I used to get really bad Premenstrual symptoms. I remember wandering around the local town once having no idea of why I was there or where to go next. I felt like I was in a black cloud and couldn't get out. I remember also being terrified that if anyone would try to talk to me I would burst into tears and never be able to stop. I was lucky this was only something that lasted a few hours or days at a time. Our hormones can do very weird things with our mental state.

Your are still there inside somewhere. I hope you will be able to find yourself again soon, even if only in short periods at first, through your music and talking and writing about your experiences and your doctor helping you get your hormones more under control.

Sending you a big hug, or three.

 

[Yessica]

I guess no one feels this way. I am glad and yet feel further alone.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and all you are dealing with@LucyLouWho.

Please don't feel further alone, there was a thread about feeling depersonalization (?that I think many responded to) on the other forum. Also, I know people here that I've been in touch with who feel it. They are just not able to post about it. I think often when we post even if others don't reply there are probably quite a few who can relate but are unable to post about it for one reason or another.

I'm too foggy to write more and well. Awww, I can't put more into words yet would write similar to what @Trish wrote.

Hi @LucyLouWho, I am sorry you are feeling so disconnected from your self. It sounds like you have a lot of really difficult physical symptoms to cope with as well as being lonely and missing your mom. That's an awful lot to cope with on your own. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to, and find some reconnection with yourself through music. I hope you are also able to get more help with the physical symptoms from your doctor.

Your are still there inside somewhere. I hope you will be able to find yourself again soon, even if only in short periods at first, through your music and talking and writing about your experiences and your doctor helping you get your hormones more under control.

We're here for you. Wish we all lived closer so we could be in person comfort to each other. Hang in there. Grief, the loss of a parent, loneliness and illness is hard. More hugs to you!

 

[LucyLouWho]

Thank you. @Trish -ty. I have moments. I slept well last night and didn't feel completely like myself today but had moments where I thought..yeah, this is somewhat like me. Sleep makes such a difference. I still like everything with color, sound, all things senses. I have always been that way.

I just wish I felt more like me, but I agree with you...things really took a turn when I went into perimenopause. It was just like this heaviness came over me and an uncontrollable feeling with emotions. Started ten years ago. So crazy. The never ending train that is coming my way.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you @Yessica -yes, I remember that post on depersonalization. I think it was on PR. I am not sure. It's all a blur anymore.

I know many can't write it..or talk of it. They are too sick or it's just too hard to talk about.

To all of us who are sick. May we have the resilience to just get through.

Thank God for friends on here. I have made so many friends due to these forums.

It's snowing here. I will share a photo.

 

[LucyLouWho]

To snow....and may we not lose power again. I have never witnessed anything like that before. No power or wifi for days. I was okay with no heat, but not okay without wifi...go figure. I kept seeing myself with a can filled with debris and it all set on fire in my apartment...like in some movie where people are huddle next to a barrel...I could do that as long as I had wifi.

 

[Skycloud]

I can relate to some of what you write, but pem'd and brain fog

eta - depersonlisation particularly during bereavement

 

[LucyLouWho]

I can relate to some of what you write, but pem'd and brain fog

Yes and if one is crashed out and in bed, how can they not relate. IF one is so sick, of course they feel distant from themselves.

I have a friend who has ME and she said, "no..I feel just like me in how I feel and with emotions." She did say cognitively she is different and tired. It tripped off this feeling...am I the only one? She sleeps a lot. Like a lot. No trouble sleeping for her. That is her main symptom and migraines.

I just remember when I first got sick, one of the first things that happened aside from the sleeping for 8 months was everything looked grey. It was so weird. Everything turned grey and all that I had so much emotion for was blunted. I was diagnosed with depression, but why? I came back positive for EBV and hyperthyroidism at the exact same time. I was funning fevers and my glands were huge and spleen.

The phone would ring and I would be dead asleep and yet I didn't hear it even when it was right next to my bed.

I was awful. It was not true depression as I was sick. My BP kept going down to 80/50 and I would dehydrate for no reason. Go to the ER.

But the main thing I focused on was that I felt nothing like me. What happened to my brain? Why am I having panic attacks? Why don't I love the music I used to like? Why does the boyfriend I have no longer appeal to me? Why? And it went on. I could never hear music in stereo anymore even though I did get better.

But 30 years later....30, it continues. It's like a meteor hit my brain. And BODY. Sigh...

Thank you, everyone.