Thanks for working on this, Graham.
I don't think it's there yet, though. I'm still confused about what you want Prof M to do. You say:
An essential question for me is whether you and other members will be willing to make a public stand when poor and misleading research impinges on the health and treatment of other people: surely that must be an essential element of any push for integrity.
In particular, I would like to know your position on the PACE trial, and on three similarly structured studies from your own university, MAGENTA, FIT-NET, and SMILE.
...
Which brings us back to the key question: what does your proposal mean for the PACE trial, MAGENTA, FIT-NET, and SMILE? Already, in the USA, the PACE trial has been the subject of a lecture in how not to hold a trial. For how long are good researchers in the UK going to remain quiet about trials that lower the status of UK research on the world stage?
You mention three different possible actions:
(1) make a public stand on 'poor and misleading research' (as yet unspecified);
(2) tell you, Graham, his position on PACE, MAGENTA, FITNET and SMILE;
(3) tell you, Graham, what his proposal means for PACE, MAGENTA, FITNET and SMILE.
Which do you want him to do? I think you need to focus on what you really want from him, and have everything in your letter point to that. I'm assuming it's (1) but if so, things need a bit of a rewrite.