Loneliness, loss and regret: what getting old really feels like – new study 'The Conversation' Carr & Fang 09/2021

I'm surprised that they chose people whose spouses or partners had died as exemplars of some of their points, rather than just people of a certain age. And truthfully, I think I recognize some of these issues as a person with ME, not as a person of a certain age.

These issues don't ring true for me, and I doubt they would for anyone I know in my age group.

 

What an extraordinary article! I wonder how representative the sampling was. Not that it needs to be.

 

Very good, honest, realistic article.

 

“Researchers have used the term “existential loneliness” to describe this deeper sense of feeling “separated from the world” – as though there is an insurmountable gap between oneself and the rest of society. “

Beautiful considered soulful.
Grace.

To engage in the phycological work of understanding.

With integrity and compassionate purpose.

Extremely rare and precious.



For anyone.
For any age.
For any duration of pain.

“Researchers have used the term “existential loneliness” to describe this deeper sense of feeling “separated from the world” – as though there is an insurmountable gap between oneself and the rest of society. of significant illness.”

This the deadly combination.

Unavoidable loss compounded.

Inflictions of pain by society.

Exclusion of grief.

Design to suppress and disappear.

Undesirable condition.
Undesirable being.

Disappear those who carry the physical sickness and emotional trauma.

After a while we who suffer cannot fight it.

We accept our removal.

Begin to participate in our own disappearance.

Too much pain to hold alone

So separate ourselves from our pain.

In this way we survive.

Yet we cannot live cut off from our own body our own capacity to feel.

I felt the words of sorrow.

I wept.

 

The state pension age in the UK is currently 66 and will rise to 67 and 68. Seems strange to include someone at 72 who lost her husband 4 years ago and not mention how the rising pension age and how that will impact things.

 

I think the article raises some interesting points but I think there is a bit of conflation going on too.

It isn't unknown for younger people to suffer ill health, need a lot of care on an ongoing basis for many months and sometimes years and then die.

It's quite natural to want to care for loved ones when they become sick and it can become all consuming.

Anyone, no matter what age, whose daily life revolves almost solely around the care of another person for months or longer is going to find a massive hole in their lives when that person dies. Even when there are other loved ones in their lives.

It may be easier for younger, healthier people who have more energy ti adjust but it can still take a very long time.

 

I looked at the description of the study linked in the article. It appears that the study was to explore issues of loneliness in individuals who were moving into retirement communities. And there is an industrial partner (I believe that was the phrasing) interested in finding ways to improve the lives of people moving into such accommodations.

I don’t doubt that many of the people interviewed suffered from “existential loneliness,” as it is often the case that a move into a retirement community comes about as the result of the death of a spouse. And that event takes some years to recover from.

I, for one, think that regret over past decisions, or wondering about paths never taken, is part of being a thoughtful person; it’s certainly not unique to people of retirement age.

It is also true that, at least where I live, retirement communities and other senior housing options are, in fact, cut off from the rest of the society. They form their own particular kind of world where social rules may be strictly enforced and where most of one’s time is spent with other elderly people.

For example, in the retirement housing where my mother lived, there was an explicit rule, coming from the director of the facility, that discussions about politics or religion were not permitted, period, whether in the privacy of your own apartment or at the dinner table at the common meal.

My mother also complained that the social interactions were more like what one would expect in high school cliques, not among intelligent adults. You, Martha, dare not sit at Claire’s place at dinner, even though Claire is absent that meal.

These kinds of social interactions, or restraints on interaction, can prevent the full expression of an individual’s identity.

If you have a religious practice, you either have to depend upon someone from your church to provide transportation to you, since most people give up their cars upon entering “retirement living,” or make do with whatever non-denominational service the chaplain provides, whether it’s your cup of tea or not.

Most forays into the wider world involve getting on a van with other old people from your retirement community and going someplace (theater, concert, art museum, e.g.) where you will sit with other old people, at a time when most other attendees are old people (think Friday morning concerts or plays). If you want to connect with children, you can go down to the daycare area and watch the children through a large glass window. How is this not disconnected from life and society?

To me, it is no wonder that the population studied here feels lonely and without a role in their lives. This is not a normal life for any adult not in need of regular nursing or memory care, and it is a situation that has come about because we don’t provide adequate supports to allow people to stay in their homes and communities. Mostly what people need is housekeeping help. People feel they aren’t part of society because, in fact, they aren’t part of society. They have removed themselves, or others have removed them, from the flow of life.

The pressure to move into some kind of senior housing is enormous. Everyone just assumes that, of course, this is what you’ll do. And go broke doing it.

Almost nobody I know has moved into retirement housing. People are staying in their own homes—-and these aren’t young people I’m talking about. They are in their 80s and 90s , still going out to their churches they’ve gone to for years (if they have a religious practice), still maintaining their neighborhood acquaintances, still making their own decisions, still playing their stereos too loud. I doubt very much that this research speaks to their condition.

Off my soapbox now.

 

@Louie41, brilliant!

 

An article I read a few years ago shocked me rigid that a society could just let this situation arise. I don't think this could happen in the UK, but then I worry that perhaps I am naive.

Title : How the Elderly Lose Their Rights
Subtitle : Guardians can sell the assets and control the lives of senior citizens without their consent—and reap a profit from it.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

 

I am aware of a couple of examples in the UK where local authorities have taken over guardianship of an elderly persons’ financial affairs, one in relation to mental health and the other in relation to a severe stroke, to the apparent significant financial disadvantage of the people involved.

The case I know most about was a man with mental health issues who ended up in residential care, with a local authority seeking guardianship without consulting/informing him or his family. His sibling, who lived at a distance, had to go to court to exercise a pre existing power of attorney, in order to clear and sell his house and appropriately invest his estate. The house already in poor repair ended up empty and unheated for well over a year, before the family could regain access to repair, redecorate and market it. The family estimate the local authority action caused the loss of tens of thousands of pounds, before taking into account legal costs.

The other involved local authority guardians over ruling an 80 year old common law wife who also had a pre existing power of attorney, selling all the previous professionally advised investments she had made on his behalf, leaving considerable funds in a low interest deposit account and locking her out of her home at night in the middle of winter. It took over a year of legal action and the persons’ death to resolve the issue, and for the partner to regain access to her home.

Obviously these are anecdotes that involved complicated legal issues, with police involvement in one, but if I am aware of two such conflicts at opposite ends of the country where the courts eventually decided against the local authority guardians in a five year period, it is potentially a significant issue, and a pre existing power of attorney may not be enough.

[edited to remove a potentially identifying detail]